Self-Preservation

Grief can come with an enormous pressure to hold it all together. Maybe the motivation is to stay strong for others, maybe we’re hoping the pain won’t hit as hard if we keep telling ourselves everything's okay. Sometimes those closest to us don't realise the weight we’re carrying inside, and maybe we don’t either. Life doesn’t always give us the luxury of processing things as they happen. The brave face can be a way of buying some time.

Trauma has us finding ways to survive emotionally too, even if that means stifling our feelings. The fawn response is a quiet, almost invisible way of coping. We smile, we nod, we go along with things. If we keep the peace, we’ll be safe. It’s a quiet form of self-preservation - blending in and being agreeable - even if that means neglecting our own needs. In moments of fear or uncertainty, the fawn response whispers, “Make everyone else okay, you'll be okay too.”

The brave face and the fawn response might protect us, but they isolate us from what we truly need. When we fawn, we shrink our own feelings to make sure others are okay. We become smaller, quieter versions of ourselves, as though that’s the only way to get through. And when we put on a brave face, we’re doing something similar—we’re hiding our hurt because it feels too raw, too vulnerable to show. We think that if we hide our pain, we’ll stay in control of it. But pain doesn’t work like that.

Neither of these responses is healthy. Healing needs us to be honest, not just with others but with ourselves. It begins with admitting when we’re not okay, allowing ourselves break down, to be human. It’s terrifying because being real, being open about our pain means there’s no hiding anymore. But they say healing hurts, and it begins with vulnerability, in allowing ourselves to feel fully, without any shame or fear. When we stop fawning, we open the door to real connection - with others and with ourselves.

Being human means we’re not always going to be okay. The bravest thing we can do is to let go of that brave face, to stop trying to smooth things over. It’s not about being strong all the time, it’s about giving ourselves permission to just be, exactly as we are.